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This isn't going to sound overly positive, but whilst other people may like the style of writing I always find it grating when reading a book that attempts to effectively narrate the story as if it is happening there and then. For example
"Private Kyle Evans has to wait for troopers storing gear before he can attempt to squeeze by."
to me doesn't read as well as
"Private Kyle Evans waited for the troopers to finish storing their gear before squeezing through the confined space."
If you were writing this from a first person perspective then the style you have written this in would flow better, but for a third person based narration you should probably be using a past-present style as you are telling their story, not sitting behind a camera watching things unfold as they happen |