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| Science Fiction Writers forum This are is for those of you who like to write scifi or create a history or backstory as part or your design process |
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11-12-2006, 07:04 AM
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| SFM Nugget  Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 82
Downloads: 0 Uploads: 0 | BSG: Don't Stop Running This is my best and most complete work so far. I'm pretty proud of it. I will write future episodes. Edited to put the new version at top. Thanks guys for... |
| Last edited by drunkclam; 01-23-2007 at 04:35 PM. | |
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By
Sanderlee
on
12-02-2006, 12:49 PM
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| ... and cue the "ominous development" music ...  Definitely getting better stylistically! Especially re: dialogue. Two notes (of course): a) You're still rushing a bit. The dogfight should have taken more than just two sentences. Not much more (it's not a major plot point) ... but a couple more would be good. Let her show her piloting chops. b) She got the "drop" on the Cylons ... getting the "jump" in a sentence just after a big discussion about jumping (to hyperspace) could be a bit confusing. If you're using the same word to describe two different things within a paragraph of each other you should probably consult a thesaurus. I avoid repetition as much as possible. Liking where this is going. Evil Carvill ... using children like that!! Sanderlee. |
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By
pete.cook
on
12-19-2006, 09:35 AM
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| I really like where this story is going. It's quite refreshing to have a story that's set in the BSG universe without being set aboard a Battlestar. There's just one thing that bugs me. When you finish a spoken sentence, you just put the character's name. It would read much better imho if you put something in that expressed how the character spoke the line, such as, said Gael, or, shouted Acacius. Sometimes it's not even necessary to include who spoke what, especially when only two characters are speaking, as the structure of your prose should indicate that for you. For example: “What is this place?” asked Acacius. “A dead drop.” replied Gael. “Huh?” “Ships will drop off contraband here, come back for it later.” “A popular place?” “I wouldn't come here if I didn't have too. There's some damn weird people live out here.” “Ok, I'm seeing something. Doesn't look like a ship, more like debris.” reported Acacius. “Yeah, scuttled ships. Construction leftovers.” Gael informed her. Hope that makes sense. |
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By
Sanderlee
on
12-19-2006, 04:57 PM
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| Quote:
Another point here ... you don't have to put the person who's speaking's name after each line. Indeed, if there's back and forth banter you really only need to indicate the speaker every fourth or fifth line. The above example demonstrates this perfectly. If you do it every line the print comes off more as a play script than as dialogue ... and it's cumbersome for you to write! Keep up the good work ... Sanderlee. | |
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By
drunkclam
on
12-19-2006, 05:15 PM
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| I'm really doing the attribution thing every paragraph because it helps me remember. Its going on 15-20 pages now and I'd get lost without something. I know you can get by with less and that there should be more thought behind the characters. But thats like the hardest thing for me about writing. So when I can get the story to a good climax, and stop and go back I can make it really tight. Anyone want a spoiler? |
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