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Published by drunkclam 11-12-2006 | |||||||||||||
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By
Kadaeux
on
11-12-2006, 07:24 AM
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| Tsk tsk, could at least have posted a teaser section. Ok mate it wasn't too bad but it definately wasn't great, I don't know about the majority of the BSG fanficdom but this was decidedly average sci-fi for me and could be found in almost any sci-fi's plot bucket. |
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Last edited by Kadaeux; 11-12-2006 at 07:30 AM.
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By
Sanderlee
on
11-12-2006, 02:49 PM
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| Okay ... as always please consider this constructive criticism. After all, few folks actually have the guts to post stories (even if there have been a rash of them lately!) - it takes more confidence (or hope) than many might expect. So, props to ya for giving it a try. I'll be limiting my citations and examples to the first few paragraphs - I read the whole thing but the issues you need to work on are ALL present right off the bat. 1) Show, not tell. Your story is all tell. "Gael is playing cards ..." this first sentence sets the stage for the language you're going to use. This is a tell: it informs us of the setting and the action without actually letting us see it. You obviously have an image in your head - let us see it, don't just tell us about it. 2) Passive Voice. There's a lot of passive voice here. Things are happening to people more often than those people are doing things. This sounds like semantics ... it isn't. Your verbs are neutral at best most of the time, passive a lot of the rest. "The cards are dealt and Gael wins." This is passive, and tell. 3) Dialogue. There is an art and a style to dialogue. I admit that it's not easy. It's hard to write, and much harder to not over-write. There is also a technical aspect to dialogue, a format or construction that one is supposed to use. It's not rigidly written in stone, but dialogue is usually off-set from other paragraphs. Your dialogue conveys little emotion (until near the end, and even then it's chaotically presented). 4) Characters. Character development takes time. But a tidbit of a character's personality, appearance and sentiment is necessary for a reader as soon as possible. A simple description of a person (one line is all you need, perhaps two) and a line of characteristic dialogue can set the stage. People need to identify with the characters they're reading about. 5) Writer's Bible. Whenever crafting a story, something like the synopsis you presented on the first page is a good idea. But, more information is often necessary. For each of my characters I craft at least a 1-page Powerpoint template that lists their physical appearance, their family, financial circumstances, psychology, beliefs, quirks, education and skills and other pertinent details (like employment). This gives me more to work with when I'm writing them ... it gives me a sense of WHO they are not just where I want to plug them into the story. 6) Detail. Detail is key. Extraneous detail is bad. There's not much detail in your story ... and when there is it's often either poorly presented (like "the Cylon Loben") or detail that is, at that particular moment, unecessary. 7) Action. There's quite a bit of action here. And props to you for it ... writing action is, in many ways, harder to do than writing dialogue is. After all, we talk all the time but we don't usually fly space-fighters in a nuke-filled environment all that often (at least, I know I don't!  ). Action needs pacing, however. Too many of your action sequences feel rushed ... like you're pushing them out into words as quickly as you can, releasing them in one gusting breath so that you don't lose them. Take the time the action needs - but be careful not to make it too slow, either. Take a look at the BSG stuff pinchy417 or Nadesico are writing to get a good sense of action (and dialogue for that matter).8) Format. Props for the Word document attachment rather than using the forum structure. I would recommend highly that you do a search on one of the shareware sites for a .pdf converter, however - anyone can edit your Word docs while a .pdf is view only. Likewise, the actual writing format needs work. Paragraph construction and dialogue are two areas of particular attention. Now ... I know I've said a lot here and it may seem like I'm nothing but critical. But I see genuine promise in this story. Sure, as Kadeaux said your plot is fairly cookie-cutter sci-fi ... but there's nothing wrong with that. Someone once said that, in Star Trek for example, there are only thirteen stories and EVERY episode is a variant of one of them. Others have said there are only seven. There's nothing wrong with a simplistic plot IF either the characters are interesting or the action is ... preferably both. I'd love to see a new draft of this ... trust me, rewriting can be fun and so can editing (even if both are also often a pain). Take what of my suggestions and criticisms you will, refine your voice and give it a try. Writing is work ... and work is never easy. And it improves with practice. Sanderlee. |
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By
Endeavour
on
11-12-2006, 08:43 PM
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| Bravo, Sanderlee. That was about the kindest constructive criticism I've ever read. And like she said, your story does have potential. Just keep working at it. Stories don't come together over night. I've been working on my own BSG story for months, and am only now starting to consolidate my ideas into a writer's bible. I haven't even gotten aroud to the character sketches yet. Good luck  Endeavour |
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By
drunkclam
on
11-12-2006, 11:38 PM
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| update 2nd draft I think I've fixed atleast some of the mechanical mistakes. I also went back and changed the part where Leobon is getting of the Gennadius, now I want him to know he is a Cylon, so the part where he freaks out on Ragnar makes a little more sense. Thanks for all the comments, I really appreciate them. I will add another episode after this one now instead of going back and fixing it again. Unless there is something really bad you all want me to fix. |
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By
Sanderlee
on
11-13-2006, 01:11 AM
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| Much better ... and I'm barely into the first page already! Of course, I'm going to add some critiques!  1) Technique. You're improving in dialogue and format. This sort of thing is boring, but crucial for both the author and the reader. Proper grammer, punctuation and construction can take a weak story and make it eminently readable (there are a LOT of Clive Cusslers in the world who's work is simple, but fun). You still have some work in this regard ... but for a first edit the improvement is dramatic!! Oh, learn to love the spelling/grammar checker - I ran it once and it caught a pile of stuff ... and not just unrecognized names. I run mine literally after every pass through a doc. 2) Show, not Tell. You've made considerable strides here. There's still a lot of tell ... but much of it is TRYING to show. That's excellent! 3) Passive Voice. Considerably reduced! Well done. It's so darned hard for most people to even recognize passive voice, let alone correct it. Now, interestingly enough, my handy spelling/grammar checker tells me that you have ZERO passive voice sentences ... and from a technical standpoint that may be true. But you're still suffering from weak verbs from time to time. Think DO, not HAPPENED. 4) Pacing. You're still rushing things. You go from card game to launch bay to in flight in less than 450 words. Now, I know the story is supposed to be about the flight, the running and Ragnar ... but the READER needs more time to get ready for it. There are two methods you could use here: a. Expand and expound the "prelude" as it were. Give yourself the time and space to flesh out the events and characters that lead up to the Big Ambush. b. START in space, arguing over proper use of the flight controls. Let Gael reminisce about how he got where he is in a flashback sequence. It's cheesy ... but it's sci-fi'erific!  5) Character Development. Better! But we the readers want more. What does Gael look like? Does Acacius toy with her hair when she's playing cards? Do either of them smoke and/or drink - most BSG characters do one, the other or both after all! The best descriptions of your characters come in Ragnar ... specifically Loben and that's mostly his physical response to the radiation field. You don't have to provide us with a paragraph, even a mere sentence would do. Acacius plucks nervously at her auburn hair as she considers her cards. "Godsdamn it," she thinks, "only three colors and no run." Across from her, Gael clutches his hand in nicotine-stained fingers as he pushes a stack of faded bills and tarnished coins into the pot. "Raise seventy-five," he says. Only the slight sheen of sweat on his forehead betrays his nervousness. "I hate high stakes games," he thinks to himself. Bang! Now we have characters, not just names. You can flush them out further through dialogue, mannerisms and descriptions later. But just a little blast of info like this gives the reader a better sense of the picture. 6) Scenic Construction. Related to pacing, and your next big challenge! A story is like a tv show ... it's a series of scenes strung together (often out of chronological order). You're still rushing things and it's stringing the scenes all into one big mash. Take each event in the story and craft a scene around it. It doesn't need to be a long one, but it will help with the pacing. For example: The card game is one scene. The argument they have as Gael suits up and they head to the launch bay is another one. Getting into the Viper and dealing with the LSO is a third. Launch is a fourth ... and ya can't tell me that Gael's really ready for his first mag-cat shot!! Let these scenes, and the many, many that follow, have their own space and breath. They don't need any construction cues to separate them (like extra lines or *** or anything) but they DO need a bit more time and prose to develop. You've got five pages here so far ... but there's no limit! No tree falls prey to electronic publishing. Word docs are small (esp. compared to some of the monster 1280x1024 images these other fellas toss about like so many marshmallows!). So give yourself freedom to run! When I first started writing my single BIGGEST flaw was a desire to get to the end quickly. I never let myself flesh out the details, the characters or the events. I wanted the climax, the end, the conclusion right the heck now! I'm not saying that you are thinking that as you write (goodness knows I wasn't conscious of it until a friend of mine hammered me on it ... and he was far less polite in his critiques!  ) but what's on the page seems to show that kind of haste.I admire brevity! There have been some damn fine real shorts around here (including a spectacular 500-word blast) but length is nothing to be feared. When I started writing Nearly Equal (you can find parts one and two a few pages deeper into the list here) I expected something around 10-12 pages. I'm at almost 20 after the edits on parts 1 & 2, part 3 is still very rough and adds another 10 pages on its own. Hell, the back-story, character studies and tech bible for The Darker Passion is at 35 pages and no where near complete! So ... what am I saying? Keep improving your technique and construction, keep watching for those passive and weak verbs, give us a bit more character, define those scenes and SLOW DOWN! There's no rush, dude! Keep up the fine work ... I expect this will evolve into a fine story as you continue to work on it! Sanderlee. |
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