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By
Sanderlee
on
04-01-2007, 01:42 PM
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| An interesting start. I'll pass on a few critiques, though: 1) Post-apocalyptic premises are tough. The war you've described doesn't seem beefy enough to have trashed the climate. The EMP bomb, for example ... with a 900km radius detonating it in the Atlantic MIGHT affect some of the US coast OR England and Europe ... but hardly both. A series of bombs, or one much larger one would be a better idea. 2) I assume you're writing this in Word (or something like it) and then converting it over to .pdf? If yes, you should give the grammar checker a run. It's a pet peeve of mine (and of a lot of writers, editors and readers) - passive voice and weak voice. "It was far beyond anything he could have imagined ..." This is the sort of language that should be avoided. It's not technically passive, but it's weak. You want to hook the reader with the first sentence, the first paragraph and the first page. This doesn't achieve it. "The white had decided to stay in the heavens today, no flakes fell from the sky ..." THIS would make a much better first sentence. Sets the mood for the world. In a post-apocalypse drama it helps the reader to get the picture before the people. SOMETIMES you can generate the picture by presenting an action; but, in this case you've given us an observation. Miles and his mother are key, but there's no need to introduce them in the first line. 3) Speaking of which ... sentence construction. "It was far beyond anything he could have imagined, Miled hadn't seen New York before, and he looked on in awe at the frozen buildings sticking out of the snow as his mother tugged on his arm." ... wheeew! ... I'm a big fan of the complex, compound sentence. There's nothing wrong with being eloquent and a tad verbose. But a run-on sentence is something else. You have four topics here: how bad it is, Miles' first visit to NY, the frozen buildings, and his mother's impatience. Better to break this up. For example: It wasn't the frozen buildings that stopped Miles Walton in his tracks. He'd seen that before. No, it was their size. He'd never imagined buildings so large, had never seen towers of glass and steel like these. "Milton," his mother pleaded. "Will you please hurry up?" Now, I admit that some of my language here is ALSO weak (too much "is/was/are") ... but it's also an off the cuff, no chance to edit piece.  This, however, gives the same presentation to the reader, but makes it both clearer and more evocative.4) Format. There are a lot of stylistic tricks that an author can use to set him/herself apart. I've read whole novels with no " " to denote conversations (that was tough). Other tricks abound. However, there are some conventions that one should try to stick to. a) Separation of dialogue--while it's okay (as above) to slide dialogue into a paragraph from time to time, it's best to have it separated out. Otherwise, who is speaking and to whom it's being spoken can get confusing. You keep the dialogue separate most of the time ... but not always. b) Dialogue markers-- he replies, she remarks, Jonas enquires. You don't need this in every line. True, you also don't USE it in every line ... but you do use it a LOT. If it's the same two people speaking to one another, you only have to remind the reader whom is speaking every fourth or fifth line, more if the same person speaks twice in a row (or a third person enters the picture). c) Indentation of paragraphs--the first line of every paragraph should be indented in one tab's worth. It's okay for the first paragraph of a new chapter or after a scene break to be justified, but not all of them. Your use of this is, well, inconsistent. d) Tense structure--you mix your tenses a lot. "The snow crunching together and compacting as they moved over it, young Miles could only hear the sound of the snow underneath his feet ..." Crunching and compacting are indicative - not a tense often used in fiction writing. Rather, try something like: The snow crunched beneath their feet, compacting under their steps as they moved towards the distant buildings. Here the compacting (indicative) works. It becomes an action word rather than a descriptive one. Always go for the action--show, don't tell. e) Scene breaks--this you have a fair handle on. However, I'm not sure that mixing the Walton's story and that of the Constitution in the same chapter is a good idea. There's a tendency among many authors (myself included) to try to cram too much in too fast. Let it pace out, there's no hurry. We're not going to run out of letters any time soon ... and paper & ink aren't an issue if you're going to publish electronically anyway!  f) Ship Names - these go in italic typeface, it's just a convention. Overall, this story shows much promise. I don't have a quibble with your content ... what I've seen of it so far is interesting enough to get me to read it (and to write this huge-arsed critique!  ) but there are structural flaws that really detract from the story itself. Always try to ensure that your writing doesn't hamper the story.What you have here is a kernel, the seed of a great idea. All you need to do is change the soil and brush up on your gardening skills to make it blossom into the mighty tree that you want it to be!  Sanderlee --yes, I'm a verbose little critter, ain't I?  |
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By
jadre
on
04-04-2007, 01:02 PM
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| To be fair, you've helped quite alot. I must admit, my grammer and structure isn't the best and I intend to go on a creative writing course soon; that in mind, everyone's hints and tips are welcomed and are considered as constructive -not detractive. Thanks Sanderlee , I'm going to give this another try/edit -chapter one that is and maybe introduce the Constitution later on.Having been inspired by films/books such as The Day After Tomorrow, Independence Day, DS9, 28Days Later and Battle Star Galactica, I hope to produce a world where my charrectors can evlove and develop into human beings. Many of my charrectors that I have created are VERY 2d however, this bunch of misfits I have created, I want to become 3d, human, real and jump of the page! The attached poured out of me one afternoon, I didn't refin it, I just wanted it to be raw and hardended -I intend to smooth it out abit, so keep checking back here to see my latest updates  |
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By
Sanderlee
on
04-04-2007, 01:36 PM
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| Quote:
Sanderlee. | |
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Fate Of The World 
Linear Mode
