SG1 Unending Parody

[Casperhead]

Something I typed up when I got bored today. Enjoy.

Opening: (old Stock footage scene of Daedalus moving through hyperspace)

Daniel walks down the hall and opens the door

Crew and Vala: SUPRISE

(Insert stupid Vala/Daniel character development here)

Daniel! OMG ITS NOT MY BIRTHDAY

Vala: Im so bored tho....... I had to tell them something. Daniel come on you know what I want!

Daniel: For the 7th million time. No.

Vala: Awwww...

(Cut to bridge)

Marks: Sir were coming out of hyperspace

SG1 walks on the bridge to find Landrey is comanding the ship

Carter: Sir what happened to Davidson?

Landrey: Oh They diden't air the episode since the show got cancelled, But Davidson died.

Carter: Are you trying to make me emotional since this is the last ever episode of the show.

Landrey: No its the truth. But I think Davidson just beat Emerson's record of how long it takes for an expendable starship commander to get killed off.

Marks: Sir we are dropping out hyperspace.

Landrey: You said that 5 minutes ago........

Marks: I know sir but you know the writers, we need us crewmen to say stupid and repeative lines to fill episode time.

(Odyssey drops out of hyperspace, An Asgard beams to the bridge)

Thor: Okay dudes Im going to make this short since we don't have much time seeing how after this there is a commercial break a.............

(Jumps to commercial)
10 minutes of lame commercials pass by, pissing everyone off
(Show resumes)

Thor: OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! I hate it when that happens!

Daniel: Quit trying to sound like Jack, we know you miss him.

Thor: Sorry. Anyways let me get to the point. With the Cancelation of Stargate SG1 (Possibly Atlantis next) and with all the censorship NBC is doing on your planet, and the fact that Jack Oniell left the show. We have decided to kill ourselves off as a major role in Stargate. And not be a race that is forgotten.

Mitchum: Your going emo?

Thor: Indeed.

Teal'c: If you say my catchphrase one more time, I will kill you where you stand.

Crewmen over comms: Sir a bunch of naked small aliens just beamed aboard.

Thor: Asgards have just beamed aboard your ship to hack it.

(3 Ori ships drop out of hyperspace)

Ori ships: omfg its the tauri and asgard lets kill em!

(2 Ori ships break off to start terrorizing the planet. and 1 Ori ship chases Odyssey off.)

Thor: Okay were finished hacking the ship, later.

(Asgard beams off)

Landry: Guys I think the Asgard are going to do something that might kill us too Lets move away from the planet.

Asgard planet: ALLAH AKBAR!!!!!!!!!!!!111

(Planet explodes)

Landry: Guys besides an entire planet exploding we have an ori ship shooting at us, Don't worry because who ever is flying the toilet ship is a horrible shot.

(Ori Beam grazes Odyssey)

Marks: OMG! OUR SHEILDS ARE DOWN TO 20%!

Landrey: They were down to 20% when the planet exploded, what's the differance?

Marks: Sorry sir , you know how the writers always make us scream rediculous technobabble including how much our sheilds suck everytime something hits us.

Landry: Then I demand we go to hyperspace

Carter: Hyperdrive is online and since this ship sucks so much, we need to clear some made up radiation field first.

Landry: OMG YOU PEOPLE ARE USELESS!

(Ori Beam hits Odyssey)

Marks: SHEILDS DOWN TO 20%!!!

Landry: WILL YOU STOP SAYING THAT! Okay I have had it. Turn around. RAMMING SPEED!

Odyssey turns around and starts firing pretty blue beams at the Ori Toilet ship.

Marks: SIR THEIR SHEILDS ARE DOWN TO 20%

Landrey: I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU...... Oh wait nevermind keep firing

Ori Toilet ship: Wtf................

(Ori Toilet ship explodes)

Landrey: w00t

Mitchum: omg for once our ship doesnt suck. Asgard hax ftw.

(Hyperspace)

Carter: Sir there is something wrong with the ship.

Landrey: There is always something wrong with the ship

Carter: Yes but we need to bring the ship out of hyperspace to fix it.

Landrey: No problem, We have enough stock footage scenes we can over-use to save on the VFX budget.

(stock footage scene of Odyssey dropping out of hyperspace)

Carter: Okay sir I found the problem. But its going to take half of the episode to fix it.

(Odyssey is suddenly rocked by a blast, klaxon Alarms sound, along with the comms)

Comms: SHEILDS ARE DOWN TO 20%

Landrey (outloud): DAMNIT MARKS!

Marks: Sorry sir but I coulden't help myself..

(Landrey walking into the bridge forgives marks and takes the captains chair second blast hits the Odyssey)

Marks: SHEILDS ARE DO.........

Landrey: MARKS DONT EVEN THINK ABOUT IT! GET US BACK INTO HYPERSPACE NOW!

Carter: BUT SIR THE SHIP MIGHT BLOW UP!

Landrey: OMFG ITS JUST A STORYLINE JUST DO IT!

Carter: FINE!

(Odyssey jumps into hyperspace)

(This scene repeats twice with lame 10 minute commercial interuptions until finally SG1, Landrey, and crew have had enough)

Carter: I got an idea. Lets beam the crew off at the nearest stargate and try one of my stupid ideas. Look at it this way, it will get us alone for some possible boring character development and Landrey you wont have to hear marks scream about the sheilds.

Landrey: Do it.

(Odyssey jumps out of hyperspace 2 second scene shows crew beaming off. After that 2 ori ships come out of hyperspace)

Landrey: While carter plays with her new asgard gadgets lets do something that could possibly get ourselves killed.

Mitchum: Right on! RAMMING SPEED!

(Odyssey shoots pretty blue beams at Ori ship)

Ori Pilot: PRIOR OUR SHEILDS ARE DOWN TO....... (choke)

Prior (choking Ori Pilot): THOU SHOU NOT SOUND LIKE THE UNBELIEVERS! HALLOWED ARE THE SCIFI CHANNAL WHO CANCELED THE SHOW MUHAHAHA!

(Ori Toilet ship explodes as that happens an Ori Beam from the second ship hits the Odyssey)

Mitchum: SHIELDS OFFLINE!!!!!!!!!

Landrey: Why does everything in Scifi or on a starship have to go "Offline???"

Odyssey: HEY LOOK AT ME IM NOT MOVING OR DOING ANY EVASIVE MANUEVERS SHOOT ME!!! SHOOT ME!!!

(Jump to bullet time scene Ori Ship fires pretty yellow pwnzor beam at the lazy Odyssey which doesn't appear to be moving)

Ori toilet ship: BOOM HEADS................. (Time stops right before the pwnzor beam hits the Odyssey and before the Ori can finish screaming "Boom headshot!")

Landrey: Wtf....... are we bugged?

Carter: No Sir, The Asgard built in a time dialation field, into our uber hax system. Now since can't seem to figure out how to get out of this. We can now throw in 50 years of boring character development to fill in the rest of the plot.

Landrey: Why not just reverse the polarity? That works in every scifi situation there is.

Carter: OMG that is so over-used the writers wont let us get away with it this time!

Landrey: So you mean were going to be stuck on this ship for 50 years until someone who isen't even a scientist comes up with a stupid idea that will get us out of this?

Carter: Yep.

Vala: Hey Daniel I have a stupid idea that will make this situation atleast more worthwhile. And besides I doubt after this situation we will rerember anything anyway?

Daniel: Fine vala for the first time Im going to say yes? Should we use your quaters or my quaters?

(oldies music starts to play as 50 years pass by. Not much happens over 50 years, Daniel has sex with Vala. Vala randomly crys like an emotional teenager, Mitchum looses his temper, Carter becomes as bitchy as starbuck, and teal'c remains the same)

Old Carter (crying): Omfg no..... How can you die of old age were in a time dialation field?

Old Landrey (lying in deathbed): I lied. I swallowed suicide pills. I can't stand this anymore.... *cough*

(Landrey passes away, Carter mourns)

Old Carter: *tear*

Old Mitchum: OMG I GOT THE DUMBEST IDEA EVER!

Old Carter: It better not be the superman one

Old Teal'c: Indeed

Old Mitchum: No no this is differant. Lets let the ori beam hit us and draw enough power from it to reverse time!

Old Carter: OMFG IM A BRILLIANT ASTROPHYSIST AND I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE! OMG MITCHUM YOUR A GENIUS! MAYBE NOT JACK! BUT GENIUS!

Old Daniel: Well vala want to give it one more time since our memories are about to be erased if this works.

Old Vala: You lost your sperm count completely 2 years ago. I don't think so.

Old Daniel: Damnit!

Old Carter: Okay while we sat here doing nothing for 50 years I came to a conclusion! The Odyssey wasn't moving at all when the Ori shot at us. I programmed this chip to actually move the ship when it happens. Since Im to old and fat Teal'c you can go through some technobabble field and give my old hot self the chip.

Old Teal'c: Very well.

(Old Carter initates the sequence and turns off the time dialation field)

(Ori Beam slams into the Odyssey and cuts the ship in half)

Ori Toilet ship: BOOM HEADSHOT!!!!

(Time reverses undoing the hit and reversing time.)

Ori Toilet ship: !!!!TOHSDAEH MOOB

(Old teal'c hands Carter the chip)

Odyssey: HEY LOOK AT ME IM NOT MOVING OR DOING ANY EVASIVE MANUEVERS SHOOT ME!!! OH WAIT! NEVERMIND! VRRROOOMMM!!!!

(Odyssey jumps into hyperspace Ori blast misses them.)

Ori Toilet ship: BOOM HEA....... WTF!!!!!!!!??????

(Back at SGC)

Carter: Job well done

Mitchum: Ya that was some adventure for the final episode. Now we have to wait many months for the movies

Old Teal'c: If you you all even think about stealing my punchline at the end of this episode I will kill you all were you stand!

Daniel: Oh yeah thats right we never were able to reverse teal'c's age.

All of SG1: Indeed

Old teal'c: *Sigh*

(The End)