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| Science Fiction Writers forum This are is for those of you who like to write scifi or create a history or backstory as part or your design process |
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08-18-2006, 07:02 AM
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| SFM Nugget  Realname: Jon Harper Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Columbia SC, currently deployed ot Iraq Age: 28
Posts: 23
Downloads: 0 Uploads: 0 | Chronicles of the Crusade Book 1: The Gateway This a jointly authored story by Lighting_Count, Jon Harper Chris O, and Tyr. We'd also like to thank Alnair for joining the team and doing the meshes for some of the ships we'll be introducing. The story starts between the End of Season 8 and the begging of Season 9 in the Stargate... |
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By
Sanderlee
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09-18-2006, 11:42 PM
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| :golfclap:  Okay, that was a rousing read. You have the characters down pat - they feel, act and "sound" just like those from their respective shows. That impressed the heck out of me. You also have a good sense of combat writing. The big fight felt hectic to me ... as it should have. I kept splicing memories of various B5 fights into my head as I read it ... wonderful. And, an interesting idea to mix these two universes!  However (aw, ye knew that was comin', didn't ya?) ... a) formatting - some of your work was in an easily readable form, much of it was eye-achingly dense. I know that adapting to the forum format is a pain, but for work of this caliber you should make the effort. ESPECIALLY in the third installment (and the fourth?). Try breaking up some of those larger paragraphs too - they work, but breaking them up would work too. b) punctuation and grammar - you could tighten this, often a lot. It's not bad writing, it's just in need of some structural fine tuning c) Spelling and word choice - considerable work could be used here. The number of spelling errors was not high, but there were several in each episode. There were also many instances of words that "didn't quite fit." My solution to this is easy - read it out loud. If it sounds odd, if you stutter, stumble or pause, or it just plain takes more than two breaths to finish a sentence than there is work that needs doing. Fine work, however ... I'm looking forward to reading more. It's ambitious as all hell, too! Oh ... and it's the Arleigh Burke class, not the Ali Burke (they're also technically frigates, not destroyers - but why quibble  )Sanderlee |
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Last edited by Sanderlee; 09-18-2006 at 11:44 PM.
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By
Lord Ravensburg
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09-22-2006, 02:17 PM
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| very nice work...now wheres the rest????? |
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By
ronmcd1076
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12-24-2007, 12:08 AM
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| I hate to necropost, but, I was wondering if the story was dead, and as the other forum for the story does not accept new posts, I thought i would ask here. |
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