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By
Sanderlee
on
02-14-2008, 05:42 PM
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| Okay. I've read this through a couple of times and have a few comments. This is constructive criticism, so please take no offense. I might seem a bit harsh at times, but that's not the intention. Your work shows considerable imagination, but the writing is, well, rather rough. Quote:
The first paragraph of a piece needs to answer several questions, as well as set the mood for the reader. It needs to answer, at least briefly, the usual who, what, where, when, why and how questions. More precisely, it needs to answer SOME of them (not necessarily all ... that's what the rest of the story is for, right?). Yours starts by implying the where - a large crowd with flying cameras suggests a stadium but doesn't explicitly say so. The first, most crucial factor about readers that you have to remember is that the reader is dumb. NOT to say that he or she is stupid, but rather uninformed. This is your world that you are presenting to the reader--he or she has no idea what, where, etc. It's your job, as writer, to present them with as much information as you can early on. The story doesn't start with the first sentence, paragraph or, often, even page. You need to establish setting before you can start the action. Sometimes. There are exceptions to this, and every, rule in writing.So, how could you address this? Well, for starters, expand that first sentence into a full paragraph of its own. For example: The crowd was still finding their seats as the lights dimmed. Roving beams of spotlights lit tier after tier of people whose avid eyes all faced the arena floor below them. Tiny robotic cameras, floating on suspensors, buzzed to and fro, ready to record the crowd, the action, and anything else their sensors found intersting or marketable. The conversations of thousands of people and the wild cheers of the fans all combined to a din that competed with the triumphant music as Xang, the challenger, entered the ring. This is stronger (but, of course could be far stronger still - it's only a first draft, after all ). There is more information for the reader, setting the stage before the action begins. The reader feels more a part of the audience, is more aware of the circumstances and environment. A common mistake that many new writers make is jumping into the action too fast. It's the influence of movies and TV, I think--where the first few seconds are as likely to be a flurry of action with pulsing music that makes the viewer go "cooool" before they can think "WTF's going on??!?"Quote:
a) Spelling - with modern word processors, there's no excuse at all for spelling errors. I know, I know "but, I wrote this in the forum and there's no spellchecker," you say. That may be, but you didn't have to. I suggest, instead, that you write on Word (or whatever word processor you have) and then either attach it or cut/paste it. examples: duellist should be duelist and bigger doesn't need that extra g. ![]() b) Grammar - passive voice is the enemy. It deadens prose, removing the sense or urgency, participation and, often, interest. If you are using the verb "to be" in any of its forms, you're flirting with passive voice. If not passive, using "to be" is almost always weak. You want to use action verbs. SHOW the reader, don't TELL them. Modern spellcheckers also have a grammar check option that allows them to hunt for passive voice violations. Turn that setting on. ANY writing, academic, scholarly, fiction, screenwriting, even poetry should avoid passive and weak construction. NOTE - grammar checkers will NOT find weak construction, just passive. Weak writing is something you have to learn to recognize (and, with practice, you will). example: he was running slower works better with something like: despite the pounding of its heavy tread, Xang quickly outpaced the beast, his strides a stacatto tapping to the other's slow, powerful drumbeat. c) Structure - Xang's not Xangs. Two spaces after a period, not one (and in rereading my post once it actually posted I find that the forum formatter has shrunk all two-space markers to just one ... so this might not have been your fault - but be aware of it anyway!!). Commas are also an issue (and, oddly, one of the hardest things for any writer to master). Pick up one of the innumerable writing, grammar, and style guides--they're invaluable tools. Quote:
), it's ALL TELL. There's no show here. The description is flat, lifeless - the reader gets no sense of motion, energy, size, or weight. This guy's a big badass (one that tells the audience just how studly Xang is when Xang defeats him). Punch this up. Make the reader go "mmm, this thing's scary."Example: Xang's opponent stood easily a meter taller than he. Its twin tails lashed the arena floor, stirring up clouds of dust with the force of their motion. Three luminous eyes, each split by a snake's vertical pupil glared above a snout filled with curved fangs and a flickering, forked tongue. Its muscles bunched and writhed beneath scaly, armored skin as tripod legs slammed the floor with heavy tread as it vainly pursued the far faster Xang. Same information - size, three legs, saurian appearance, armor - but more vibrant. There's a sense of movement, power and danger now. Also, commas. Unless you're making a list, you almost never place a comma before "and." In the case of a list, however, the list has to be three items or longer for there to be a comma. For example: thing one, thing two, and thing three ... but not in thing one and thing two. Commas separate items in a list, clauses, qualifiers, and parentheticals. One reason you use them in a list is for clarity: blue, green, and yellow is different from blue, green and yellow. How? In the second example green and yellow are linked to become a single idea (greenish yellow) whereas in the first they are separate (green and yellow apart from one another). Quote:
Xang's sword caught the reflection of a spotlight on its curved blade, flashing with the brightness of polished steel. Its barbed point seemed to trace a line of fire in the air as he slashed the blade down towards his foe. The monster caught Xang's blade on his own, a strangely organic weapon with a leaf-like design. The monster's weapon throbbed audibly, pulsing a hideous sound as Xang's blade grated down its length, striking sparks. After a moment of push and shove, the two warriors separated, pausing briefly in the en garde position before lunging at one another once more. Now, I could go on and on and on. But I think I've made my points clear. Show the reader, don't tell him or her. Learn the rules of grammar, structure, and (above all) commas. The imagination is there, what you WANT to say is tantilizingly close--you just need to refine the technique of writing. Four final points however. And, considering their length, I guess I am "going on and on" after all ... oh, silly me. ![]() a) Quote:
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"Kill it," Sheven whispered, clutching the railing with white-knuckled ferocity. "Oh, ****, kill it now!" Her voice rose to a shrill pitch as Xang danced ever closer, spilling the monster's pale blood upon the arena sands. (edit note - and I see here that the parental controls have bleeped out my own four letter word, so again this might not have been your fault - but again, be aware of the problem and, whenever possible and appropriate, use another word) Related to this is lingo. Often an author will want to create a new mode of speaking, new terms, or even a new language to demonstrate to the reader how alien this new world is. Sometimes this works, sometimes it doesn't--witness the great debate over the use of "frak" in Battlestar Galactica. When starting out, it's best to NOT try to invent a lingo or patois. Instead, develop a DIFFERENT method of giving the characters a unique voice without resorting to invented words. Doing the latter risks two things: as I said, it knocks down the fourth wall and pushes the reader back out of the narrative, but also it risks incomprehension. If the reader is supposed to understand what a character is saying or thinking, using words the reader doesn't know (and, more importantly, cannot know - some of the terms I've used here might be unknown to you, but YOU can go look them up, the reader of your work has no "your world to english" dictionary to fall back on) simply annoys him or her. c) Quote:
d) A lot of the fun in writing is getting the story down, blasting the words out onto the page in a flurry of spastic typing and flying fingers. The author often wants to see how the story ends as much as the reader will (goodness knows I often have only the vaguest idea where my writing's going the first time I put it to paper or screen). BUT, writing is also work. 10% of the effort is the initial writing--90% is rewriting and editing. And, frankly, these ratios put too much stock in the original writing. The first draft of anything you're going to write is going to range from "um, okay" to "poor" to "needs work" to "awful" to "dreadful" to "pure and simple ****." My first drafts often fall into options four and five. NO ONE gets it right out of the gate--not Stephen King, David Weber, or Frank Herbert, not Hemmingway, Austen, or Harper Lee. Anyone who says different has not looked at their work with a critical eye. Some of my work has gone through thirty or forty drafts--it's also been nominated for awards and publication (I write some fiction, but as a Graduate Student in a History program most of my writing has been scholarly lately, sigh). Take your work apart. Analyze each paragraph. Then analyze each sentence. Then every word. On paper is not carved in stone--on screen or file is even less so. Play with the language--expand it, shrink it, move it, change it, delete it. The more you edit and rewrite the stronger your work will be. As I said at the beginning, this shows considerable promise. You have a good imagination. There's a sense of an image, a scene here that's dying to come out. All that's holding it back is technique, practice and continued effort. Don't give up. I'm almost forty, have been writing for almost three decades and I don't know everything--I never will. Good luck, and I look forward to seeing you redraft this and flesh it out. -- and Lord, how I run on! Sanderlee. End note - even THIS I reread three times before posting, finding small errors, mistakes and improvements. And edited three times more AFTER posting. I could go back to it over and over and fix errors 'til the cows come home, but I think I've made my points! ![]() | |||||||
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Last edited by Sanderlee; 02-14-2008 at 05:50 PM.
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By
Kageo
on
02-18-2008, 03:31 PM
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| Cheers Sanderlee Hi, First off, thanks for the review Sanderlee, that was very cool of you. I was being very silly with this really. I'm in the thick of writing this, aiming for a 'novel' because that the target I've had in mind for so long. I'm having more difficulty writing some parts (a sexual chemistry scene) and redrafting some others. The fight scene I uploaded here was a spontaneous thing, to get some writing out of my system like a pressure valve. Basically I wrote what came easy for a session then for some reason uploaded it just as spontaneously. So you're right. There is loads of raw and bad writing in it. I also forgot, on this site, to upload the preamble, which read: Quote:
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![]() So I am writing, I guess, what I would want to read. Quote:
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I'm going to chop this sentence up though, you are right about it. I'm gonna stick with compound though, I'm convinced that this type of sentence can work well in action scenes. Quote:
Good one for picking this out. Quote:
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It should have said something like 5hi771ng. In the context of the story I have written so far, which would lead up to this scene, it would be clear that this is a vanilla 'materialized', not a teleport one, but taken in isolation like this, on an sf forum, I can see why 'materialized' is confusing. Quote:
![]() I will certainly redraft this and probably incorporate it into Enter the Kraken (currently at about 30,000 words) as it will fit in easy enough. I feel like apologizing, or kicking myself for uploading something so rough, it gets reviewers like yourself to pick out all the grammatical stuff, and punctuation, when I should be more interested in how it is received as fiction. I think uploading it was some psycho-cathartic/spontaneous thing ![]() Thankyou Sanderlee, you have really put some thought and effort into your reply, I appreciate it. If we were on a dedicated review site, that post would definately have earned you a point ![]() I won't be giving up! In the longer view, I have been at this for years now, and its like crack to be honest, its very addictive.(( Digression: this weekend away may have brought Kraken a good deal closer to becoming a graphic novel at some point )) cheers, Kageo | ||||||||||
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By
Sanderlee
on
02-19-2008, 02:12 PM
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Harry Potter isn't (activate snooty British Accent) Fine Literature ... but it's good, well written and accessible to a wide range. Combined with her lightning in a bottle timing and JK is richer than the Queen. Obviously most SF writers aren't in her weight class (heck, are ANY writers in her $$ class at this point??!?), but there's a LOT to be said for maximum accessibility.Yes, there is a counter-argument as well. Goodness knows Gibson's work is far from universally accessible, but he's quite successful. But, I work from the principle that to be "edgy" you either have to be a) that damn good (which I'm not ... yet) or b) already fairly successful. Quote:
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I always had a problem, for example, with Larry Niven's use of "censored" and "bleeped" in his Known Space series. The idea that people would replace curse terms with the very sounds/actions used to replace curse terms (that sounds redundant, I know ... but you get the idea) is silly. Sure, language evolves, but between print, audio, and video recordings language also solidifies. Terms go in and out of fashion (remember ebonics?) but the roots stay the same. IMHO, of course. ![]() Oddly, however, I had no problem with the patois/technobabble in Andromeda. Sure, they didn't say what PDLs were any of the other myriad terms they bandied about, but they became obvious pretty quick. Sometimes it's just context. Besides, the babes were, well, babes! ![]() Quote:
But yeah, sometimes you just can't avoid the censor programs. What I've done is write in Word, use a program to convert it to a .pdf and uploaded that. The pesky vBulletin program canna censor my .pdf! Power to the people! Burn baby burn! Okay, perhaps I should lay off the morning Diet Pepsi ... caffeine rush, whoo. Quote:
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![]() Toodles! Sanderlee. | ||||||||||||
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Last edited by Sanderlee; 02-19-2008 at 02:18 PM.
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