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Published by pinchy417 10-13-2006 | ||||||||||||
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By
Choo1701
on
10-13-2006, 06:10 AM
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| Good to have this back. I really enjoyed the first "mini-series" ![]() Conversation worked well as a good introduction. |
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By
Sanderlee
on
10-13-2006, 02:15 PM
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| I liked it quite a bit. The conversation angle is a good way to do things ... gets info out there without being pedantic about it. Something I'm trying to do more; giant blocks of prose are interesting to write but not so much to read. There are a couple of instances where your language trips over itself (the whole reading the readers sentence in the first paragraph desperately needs rewriting) but on the whole the grammar and structure works well. There are also a couple of word choice errors (it should be vain rather then vein, for example ... one's futile and one carries blood ) ... but again, your vocabulary use is generally strong.I'm looking forward to reading more ... esp. when Amber falls asleep on Charmer's bed without anything "untoward" happening. If for nothing else than to see how you write his reaction! Sanderlee. |
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Last edited by Sanderlee; 10-18-2006 at 04:00 PM.
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By
pinchy417
on
10-26-2006, 07:04 AM
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| Yeah I caught some of those when reading it on another site. Again, I am usually working on this from 10pm until 2AM and trying to get the story written. And trying to keep everything straight, so I have 1 file open with the story in Pages, MS Word with an outline another Word notebook with all the character names and such.... It's going to be a web novel when I finish it in Nano next month...and then the Video iPod series this summer...which I'm busy writing those scripts as I'm writing the story.... So lots of work...and the Video iPod series is going to be different than the book, etc. etc. ************************************ Here's Part II “Sit Rep, Mister Rhodes,” the Old Man barked as he entered CIC. Rhodes was a wreck; everyone saw the blood shot eyes and puffy bags under the young man’s eyes. There had been a few times some of the senior petty officers caught him dazing out into space about tear up. They would always nudge him politely back to duty. Commander Belu pressed foreword. He needed acting XO in CIC as finding another replacement XO was not an option. Captain Casey was needed in the Land Bay to oversee the LSO procedures. Major Grant sitting in the brig was a huge pain, but something Belu was not about to deal with until he was sure they were clear of the Cylons. “No unknown contacts in twenty-six hours, sir,” Rhodes reported. “Not since we left Aquaria with the civilians.” “That’s odd,” the Old Man admitted publicly. The young kids manning the various duty stations in CIC took a brief moment to glace at each other. The Commander’s words and tone were something they did not care to hear. “Why would it be odd, sir?” Lt. Rhodes answered cautiously. The crew was still skittish after the XO had been relieved of duty and thrown in the brig over a dispute over the Chain of Command after the attack. “Because, the Cylons know we survived. If they were attacking to wipe out humanity, why let us live?” the Commander posed openly to the crew. No one gave him any suggestions, even though some had ideas, and other had sarcastic remarks. “M-m-m-maybe be-c-c-cause we’re just a single Battlestar,” the Communications Officer stuttered. “Or we’re not a priority target,” the Acting Watch Officer offered. “Or because we bloodied their nose,” Rhodes suggested. “Still…” the Old Man countered looking over the communication reports and at the charts on the main plotter. “How goes the search for supplies?” Belu changed the topic. “Not good. The Raptors report that pirates have already raided stations that weren’t guarded and those with probable supplies are being watched by Cylon Raider patrols,” Rhodes offered. “Why so many Raider patrols?” the Watch Officer questioned. “Given their raiders have FTL capabilities….they don’t have to deploy their Baseships everywhere,” Rhodes suggested. The Old Man handed Lt. Rhodes a torn, battered, and yellowed piece of paper. “I want you to plan jumps to and from those coordinates. I just got back from Mission Planning. Miller and his team are working on a plan to attack this storage area here,” the Commander pointed out the location on the charts. “It currently has five raider squadrons protecting it. However, every six hours half jump away. There is a twenty to twenty-five minute window before the next shift arrives.” “An attack?” Rhodes questioned. “I don’t like it, but we need supplies. Governor Maxell’s report shows the fleet only has sixty days of supplies, maybe ninety if we ration. We’re not machines, Lieutenant, we are going to need food, water, fuel, parts, and medicine. This supply depot has enough to extend our survival for months.” “But won’t that leave the civilians vulnerable,” a Cadet manning one of the tactical stations offered. The young woman shied away as the Commander turned to face her. “The Midshipmen right,” Rhodes offered. The Commander stood there sternly, “I know. Miller’s working on it.” ****Mission Planning**** “We need more recon,” Slate insisted for the tenth time in the past nine minutes. “Our fuel supplies are already at fifty percent. We can’t afford to spend half of that on recon and still expect to maintain a regular CAP,” Jewels snarled for the second time. “Knock it off!” Miller yelled bringing the room to a silence. “We’ve been at this for three hours. Everyone take thirty, take a shower, get some coffee, and come back here with fresh ideas! Dismissed!” The nine people standing around the table in mission planning broke away as the various cliques of friends gathered to make plans and discuss ideas. Miller looked around as everyone but Jewels left the room. “Something on your mind Lieutenant?” “Yes, you,” she told her superior officer. That instantly got his attention. “I’m flattered, but reg…” Lt. Juliana “Jewels” McMillen roller her eyes and grunted in disgust. “Not what I mean, Captain.” “I know,” Miller assured her in a more relax mood. He needed the half hour break as much as anyone. “So what can your CAG do for you today?” “Starting acting like a CAG instead of a flight instructor. Don’t get me wrong, you’re a hell of an instructor, but mission planning was never one of your strong suits,” Jewels said bluntly. “And if you don’t some of the veteran reservists with Major lapels are going to start complained even more to the Old Man…and he’s going to be hard press to ignore them. After all, fraking with the chain of command during a peace time training mission is one thing, war is a different set of rules.” Miller just stood there speechless. He replied sardonically, “I don’t recall giving you permission to speak freely.” “Since when has that ever been a requirement, Sir,” Jules shot back crossing her arms and cocking her hips. Miller stood up and thought about her words for a moment. “You’re right, Major Loren probably would make a better CAG. But until the Old Man says otherwise, I’m still in charge and I’ll run things my way, Lieutenant.” “It’s not that,” Jewels quietly assured him. Deep down that was certainly a part of the problem. “Your’re a hell of an instructor, better than me, alright. Happy now?” Julianna’s words were true and they stung in Miller’s ears as he stood there waiting for what he knew would be next. “But, we’re at war Captain. This isn’t flight sims and training ops. Those are real Cylons we are engaging with real Cylon bullets being shot at us, and real kids dying,” Jewels reminded Miller. “Look, all I’m saying is that the time to be everyone’s mentor and friend are over. Take charge, that’s what they need now.” “I know,” Miller said in anguish. “Which is one reason you’re here. The Old Man wants to hit the bone yard. We’ve done twenty hours of surveillance and not so much as a recon drone.” “A little odd, don’t you think?” Jewels answered taking a look at the report sitting on the Mission Planning Plotter. “I mean, they seem to be patrolling the rest of the supply depots, why not the bone yard?” “Probably because most of the equipment of any value had been stripped from the ships before they ended up there,” Wilson interjected entering the room. “Old man told me to show up. Maybe I’d be able to answer some of the questions on salvage operations.” “Any help would be good, Chief, but if you need to be fixing vipers,” Jewels told the slightly older woman. “We’ve got all the Vipers downgraded to the old CNP programs and all combat repairs completed. There are nine vipers down for standard maintenance and two more that were damaged being stripped for parts,” Wilson answered. “The Kids can handle that for an hour or two. What do you need to know?” Jewels looked over at the CAG blankly. She had just been brought in on the planning and had not read all the briefing reports. “Olympia’s two surviving sister ships are at the bone yard, what all do they have left?” Miller asked. “Not sure, you need to ask Markov and his snipes about that one. I just keep the fighters flying. Keeping the ship running is his territory,” Wilson shrugged. “Specifically flight parts?” Miller asked. “The old man is talking it over with Markov as we speak.” “Well,” Jessica thought a moment; “Most of the launch systems were still in place, so we can swipe parts for ours. All of her tooling was placed into vacuum storage.” “Tooling? What kind of tooling?” Jewels asked. Jessika shrugged not really having an answer. “Well,” she hesitated, “There should be a few fabrication units, die kits to make viper parts, things like that.” “As in the ability to build new vipers?” Jewels said impressed. “Yes, but…” Wilson tried to counter. “But what?” Miller asked. “The cheat sheets say the dies are for Mark II Vipers,” Wilson told the assembled team. “Not the mark sevens.” “Which is exactly why I’m interested in the tooling,” the Old Man said entering the room. “The Mark II’s may not be as sleek and sexy as the new Mark Sevens, but they are much easier to build, save for the engines.” Jessika nodded in reply as others grinned sheepishly at the Old Man saying the word sexy. It just did not fit Belu’s demeanor, but the entire crew was running on little sleep. Jessika reminded the team, “Not to add insult to injury, but we don’t have place to put the fabrication units. They call this ship a baby battlestar for a reason. Hell the starboard flight pod has been taken over by a thousand civilians and taxing our life support system from what I understand.” “Given our severe restrictions on resupply, simple is better,” Belu said. “We are going to need to replace our losses. This equipment is our best bet. What I need to know is how long is it going to take us to get that equipment on board?” “Hours, possibly a couple days,” Wilson stated. “I really can’t tell you until we get there.” “Prepare a team, chief. They’ll take two raptors and scout the targets and report back,” the Old Man ordered. “Assign a petty officer you trust, not you Chief. Gunny’s already got a detachment of Marines prepping.” “Yes, Sir,” Wilson snapped to attention and gave a salute before exiting the room. The Old Man waited until the door was shut and sealed behind her before looking at the pilots assembled in the room. “I need you all to work on something else.” |